I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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