i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
