the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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