i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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