She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Let's get the cat blown out
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
