You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
