gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
