I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
