you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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