those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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