Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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