I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
