Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
