I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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