Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
