I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
