she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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