well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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