I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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