im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
