Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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