Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
