Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
