She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
