The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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