I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
