I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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