Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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