For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
