i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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