I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
