I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
