I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
