$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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