this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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