her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
