Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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