And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
