You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
