my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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