So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
