tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
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I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize