I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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