if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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