Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
