Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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