i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
