there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
