Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
