then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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