either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
