Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
