Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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