i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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