I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
