You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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