Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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