dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
