just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
