he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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