So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
please come you make the beer taste better
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
