I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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