i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
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The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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