So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
